just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
