Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
