last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize