Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
