Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
