I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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