when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
