If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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