he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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