I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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