So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
