I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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