Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
