tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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