Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
