just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
