in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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