dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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