My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
