i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize