Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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