cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
