I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
