sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
