even my farts smell like vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize