what day is it and did you see me today?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I could fuck to npr.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
