at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
you inspire me to be a worse person
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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