Sry I called you an 8
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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