Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
