walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
