Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
