Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize