Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
