I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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