I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
