I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
