you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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