We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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