My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
