I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
