It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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