My liver just broke up with me...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
