Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
