between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
