planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
