He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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