My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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