I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
