I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
