yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
