Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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