You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
