Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
