Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
