i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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