It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
